This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
