Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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