You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
