You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
