He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
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I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
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that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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