If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
