I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
love makes seman taste better
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
