This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
