i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
