Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
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I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
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I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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