TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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