Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
