Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
