i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
