I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
