Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
