My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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