I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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