My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
