I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
