he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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