Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i think im in europe. pls send help
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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