i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
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he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
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I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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