Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
