even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
