I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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