she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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