I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
