Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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