she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he high fived his dick after we had sex
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
