I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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