were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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