dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
