okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
