She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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