I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
