I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him