We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
