I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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