Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
