May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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