if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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