do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Damn victory sex feels great
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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