Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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