sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
