remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
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but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
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I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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