how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
