do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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