he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
