we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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