Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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