I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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