but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
