I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
