I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
